What do you think of when I say the word, “networking”?
If I were to guess, you imagine a big group of people, usually drinking, wearing name tags, and promoting themselves in a too-crowded room. For many of you, I’d bet good money that your reaction to a networking event is like one or both of the memes below.
Personally, I hate stereotypical networking events. In the rare scenario where I have to attend one, I spend days mentally preparing myself. Do I know anyone who will be there that I can glue myself to? Where is the nearest restroom (e.g. mini-escape route)? How early can I leave and not be rude to the organizer?
I always joke that I’m great in front of a room of hundreds or thousands or in a one-on-one setting, but I freeze up in typical networking settings. In fact, I once got physically ill thinking that I’d have to go to a networking event. It was after the largest speaking event in my career, and I couldn’t muster up the energy. I used that illness as an excuse with my boss to leave the conference early.
Plus, I despise feeling second-rate. There’s always that guy or that girl who’s talking to you but constantly looking over your shoulder to see if there’s someone “better” to meet. How short-sighted they are! More on this later.
By now you can see that I hate traditional networking. Yet I’ve been told by many friends and colleagues things like “Jen, you’re such a good networker” and “I wish I was as good at networking as you.” I’m flattered that you all think this of me. But the truth is, the traditional networking style of rubbing elbows in a too-crowded room, feigning interest while looking for the nearest escape route (restroom), etc. never worked for me. I tried to force it early on in my career, but now, I don’t bother.
I used to feel guilty turning down networking events. And then I read Vanessa Van Edwards’ book, Captivate. Here’s the start of the first chapter:
Once upon a time, a boy named Harry was teased for wearing thick
glasses and having a bookish streak. When the time came to apply to
college, he took jobs as a timekeeper in a railroad construction company and
as a shelf duster in a pharmacy to support his family. No one would have
guessed that this shy boy would one day become the thirty-third president of
the United States.
The story of Harry S. Truman is surprising because he doesn’t fit the
stereotypical booming presidential personality. On July 19, 1944, this posed a
problem. Truman was facing the biggest opportunity of his career. He was
vying for the vice presidential nomination at the Democratic National
Convention. The odds were not in his favor. Then-president Franklin D.
Roosevelt had already publicly supported his contender, Henry Wallace, a
gifted public speaker and the current vice president.
Truman was not a gifted public speaker—and he knew it. His team had to
draw the battle off the main stage to make the convention work to Truman’s
strength: one-on-one rapport building. All day, they pulled delegates into a
private, air-conditioned room underneath the platform, called Room H. The
convention hall was stiflingly hot, so delegates literally breathed a breath of
fresh air as they listened to Truman’s pitch and began to cool off. Then he
spent hours standing at the end of the hallway, shaking hands with passing
members. Instead of waiting for the results in his hotel room (which is what Henry Wallace and most of the candidates tended to do), Truman ordered a
hot dog and sat with his wife in the audience.
In the first ballot, Wallace had 429.5 votes and Truman received 319.5
votes. A second ballot was called immediately. Truman had to win friends
and he had to win them fast. Instead of making a grand speech, Truman and
his team kicked into full gear, working party leaders, delegates, and
influential members of the crowd one by one. He worked a solid connection
with the right person and then let them convince their people for him.
At 8:14 p.m. the results were announced. Truman led with 1,031 votes to
Wallace’s 105. He gained 712 votes in a matter of hours. A few minutes later,
Truman gave one of the shortest acceptance speeches in history. He stood
patiently at the bank of microphones, and when the audience had finally
quieted down he said, “Now, give me a chance.”1*
Truman understood his strengths and played to them. He optimized his
interactions for success, and so can you.Like Truman, I prefer one-on-one interactions to hoards of people (although unlike Truman, I do enjoy public speaking). If you’re like me, you need to know that it’s okay to not like traditional networking. You will still need to meet new people, but there is more than one way to skin that cat.
Here’s how I network.
Focus on Quality over Quantity
When I was 13 years old, I asked my Dad, “Why don’t I have as many friends as Taylor Daniel? Is something wrong with me?”
I remember my Dad taking a deep breath before responding. He slowly said, “Jennifer, what matters most is how close you are with your friends. Your mom and I have always had a small group of really good friends that we can rely on and who will be there for us. That’s what you should focus on.” Quality over quantity, in other words, was his advice.
While he said it in the context of friendships, I apply it to work as well.
Yes, I love meeting new people. But in terms of my ride-or-die colleagues, that’s a small set of relationships that I nurture and cherish. There’s a misnomer that growing your network needs to be purely about size. The strength of your network matters just as much, if not more. The colleagues you’re close with today could be the CEOs of multinational corporations tomorrow.
I focus on growing the strength of my network.
Be Interested in Everyone
“Be interested in everyone” is more advice from my father, although he blatantly stole this from Dale Carnegie. The best artists steal, amiright?!
In all seriousness, everyone’s favorite topic is themselves. The easiest way to strike up a conversation with a stranger is to ask them questions about their lives. Find out their opinion on a news story or ask them to share the most interesting project they’ve worked on lately.
For example, I once asked a colleague about a unique watch he was wearing. Turns out, it was a precious antique from his grandfather. He was curious about how the watch worked, and rather than take it to a repair shop, he taught himself how to repair it. I asked for details and learned a ton about repairing old watches. Another gentlemen told me about a canoe-building camp that he’d recently gone to with his son. Others tell me stories about their cats or dogs. There is nothing more gratifying than finding that thing someone loves to talk about. Their eyes light up, and the words tumble out of their mouth.
Everyone has an interesting story to tell. And I’m dead-set on finding it.
Meet New People One-on-One
Let’s talk tactics. How do you meet new people if you don’t go to those god-awful traditional networking events? (No offense to the organizers or people who enjoy those things.)
Here are a few of the ways that I meet new people.
Asking for introductions from colleagues’ friends, or at least telling them that I love meeting new people so that they keep me in mind for intros
Sending random LinkedIn messages (usually I’m the sender, although I get an occasional request from others, which I LOVE when genuine and not sales-y)
Walking my dog (my husband likes to say that there’s an underground universe of dog people because it’s such an easy way to strike up a conversation)
Volunteering
Speaking at conferences (you’d be amazed the number of people who want to meet with you after, even at small events)
Attending small local events, like a dinner or intimate (<15 people) happy hour
This Substack (I love meeting readers!)
My AllAboutCRE.com website
Most of these involve one-on-one conversations. Only handful come from a small group setting, and even so, I turn those into one-on-one meetings.
Introverts, rejoice! You too can network!
Parting Words on Networking
Before I let you go, I have to share one pet peeve of mine along with one final piece of advice from my Dad.
First, the pet peeve. I can’t stand it when I’m talking with someone and they’re obviously scanning the room to find someone “better” to meet. I often stop midsentence, wait for them to give me their full, startled attention, and then ask, “Are you looking for someone?” But of course, I enjoy shocking people.
Ignoring the person you’re speaking with is unbelievably rude. And even if you don’t care about being rude, filtering out people because they don’t work for the “right” company or aren’t in the “right” sub-industry or don’t have the “right” title is a huge mistake. Here’s why.
People change careers like they change socks these days.
You never know who they know.
No one likes a transactional relationship. Most of the “right” people you’re looking for will see right through you.
Being the jerk of your network simply doesn’t work.
Finally, my Dad’s advice on making new work friends:
“Smile and be yourself.” -Frank Tindle
Jen’s Reading Corner
My friend and colleague recently recommended Adam Grant’s Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know. Grant shares fascinating stories and research, focusing on the power of confident humility. It’s been a treasure trove of anecdotes and insights, and I highly recommend it as well.
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I look forward to networking with you at Blueprint. It will be fun! Even the traditional kind!